When You Disagree with Your Lead Pastor

Inevitably it’s going to happen…. So, what should you do?

You and your Lead Pastor are going to disagree. This disagreement could range from song choice, to volume, to budget. So, what should you do? What’s the best way to handle it?

Over 10 years ago, I was working at a church plant part time. I was paid for about 10-15 hours, but I, of course, worked way more than that, because it wasn’t about the money. Everything was smooth sailing for a few years. I would have weekly planning meetings with my then LP, and we had a good rhythm going. He was happy, I was happy, and the church was happy.

Then it happened. A big disagreement!

I was given the responsibility to choose a drum set for the space we were in, so I started researching several options. I got advice, shopped around, and starting drawing up some proposals. In fact I was pretty excited about some of the options. However, the LP worked out a deal with a church member to buy a drum kit, without me knowing.

As you can imagine, I had a sinking feeling. My first thought was that all of the work I put in was irrelevant! The authority I thought I had was gone before I knew it was gone. However, in his mind, he was just expediting the process, and moving on what he thought was a win-win. A church member wanted to sell a drum kit, and we needed one.

I was at a crossroads. Do I voice my concern? Do I let it slide and pretend it never happened?

After-all, he is the Lead Pastor, right?

I decided to bring it up. The Bible always encourages working things out with your brother, and I have a policy of “keeping short accounts.” So, during our meeting, I let him know how I felt. However, the story doesn’t continue like you might think. We didn’t work it out, give each other a hug and move on with life.

In fact, that opposite happened! This one small disagreement started spiraling downhill quickly. The good news, however, is that I found out what that particular working environment was really like. I had the clarity I needed to decide if I wanted to work in that environment full time or not.

Of course, not all environments are like that one. In my experience, it was the exception. I share that story to say that the “worst thing” that could happen is that you find out you’re in the wrong place and need to move on. That’s actually not a bad thing, even though it might feel like it in the moment. It will come out eventually, and earlier is way better than later. So, just remember, even the worst case actually isn’t that bad.

Just think about getting married. You always want to have a disagreement before you get married. Your marital success is dependent on how you disagree, not how often you disagree. It’s good to find out early on if you can disagree and still be on the same team. Disagreeing well is essential!

As you can see, the relationship between a Worship Leader and a Lead Pastor is a lot like a husband and wife. Simply hang around long enough, and there will be disagreements. When the disagreement is healthy, though, it will actually strengthen the relationship. In fact many of my healthy disagreements with other Lead Pastors have served as positive landmarks in our relationship. We know, before we talk, that we’re on the same team.

Conformity is Not the Same Thing as Unity.

This is clear anytime scripture talks about unity! We can have unity despite differences of opinion. In fact Barnabas and Paul disagreed and parted ways; however, they did it well, while maintaining unity. If someone can disagree with Paul, you can disagree with your Lead Pastor.

There are a few principles to keep in mind when you want to disagree well:

1. Keep short accounts – This is a number one rule for me, and it’s a fantastic lead-in line when you need to disagree. “I always want to make sure I’m keeping short accounts and not letting anything fester, so can I share something with you?…”

2. Give the benefit of the doubt – One really common mistake when you disagree with someone is to get angry. The reason why it feels good to be angry when you disagree, is because you are emboldened with confidence. When you’re angry, you’re certain. “Get out of my way, because you don’t want to mess with me!” However, it’s wisest to start with the benefit of the doubt. Look at the situation from the eyes of someone other than yourself before you bring it up, and paint the best possible scenario before you bring up your issue. This will help you deal with the issue.

3. Lead with questions, not accusations – You’ll find this advise in many marriage books, etc. because it works! Accusations don’t work. They just make people defensive. If you really want an in-depth look at why accusations don’t work, check out the classic book “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” There are several fascinating stories of why it’s best to resonate with someone in order to influence them.

4. State your perspective, but don’t over-state it – Give your perspective by saying “I felt like..” “It appears to me that..” “From my perspective…” There are 3 sides to a story. Your side, the other side, and the truth. So, leave room for a conversation. It’s not a great idea to state your opinion as fact. There could always be information that you don’t have yet, so leave room for that when you speak.

5. If it’s a matter of preference, submit – Ultimately, the Lead Pastor’s job is to shepherd the flock. The worship service is under his account. Sure, there are elements that are under your account too; however, your Lead Pastor bears a heavier responsibility for the whole. Your job in many ways is to support him and his vision. So if you’ve expressed your perspective, and he wants a different route, then submit. By the way, submission is quite Biblical as well! In fact, it’s esteemed in many places.

If you’re new to a church, you have to build trust. You can’t just expect it or claim it in your job description. Submitting might be just what you need for your spiritual development. It’s not always a bad thing.

If you’re really stuck, grab the book “Crucial Conversations.” This is a great book on how to bring up really uncomfortable issues with anyone.

Just like your muscles, your relationships grow strong when they are strained and then mended. Disagreement isn’t only okay; it’s healthy. If you’re in an environment where you’re not allowed to disagree, you may need to move on. If you’re in an environment where disagreement is violent, you definitely need to move on! If you’re in an environment where disagreement is encouraged, you are lucky!

However, many of us are in somewhat of a middle ground. We could probably disagree, but we know it will be really uncomfortable.  No one likes to be the bad guy, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet and do your best to disagree well.

Leading means going first. Bring it up. It’s worth it.

Stephen